The Informers (2008)

The Informers (2008)

Written by Bret Easton Ellis and Nicholas Jarecki, adapted from Ellis’ novel of the same name

Directed by Gregor Jordan

            Wow! This one was a doozy.  This movie, I have concluded, was a disaster.  Somehow, I loved it and hated it at the same time (and I didn’t hate it in a good way).  Read on!

            What I did like: The slick direction.  The music.  The ample nudity. Amber Heard. The Mickey Rourke storyline.  That’s about it.

            What I didn’t like: Everything else.

            I couldn’t really understand the story, but I’ll try to sum it up.  This was one of those flicks that follows 3 or 4 or 13 different stories at once.  The movie opened with the death of some guy via car accident.  I think this was how they were trying to connect everybody together, but it didn’t really work.  This guy had a best friend, Graham.  Graham has no personality, but he has a super fucking hot girlfriend, Christie (Amber Heard), who sleeps with everybody.  No, literally, everybody. And then everybody else.  She even sleeps with Graham’s best friend (that’s the dude with the stupid hair in the second picture), who is sleeping with Kim Basinger, who is the mother of Graham.  Kim Basinger is divorced from, but getting back together with her movie executive ex-husband, Billy Bob Thornton, who is sleeping with a news anchor, Winona Ryder.  One of Billy Bob’s clients is the popular musicion Bryan Metro.  Bryan Metro likes to sleep with children.  Well, not little children.  Just teenagers.  In a completely unrelated sub-plot, there’s also another kid (played by Lou Taylor Pucci, who was in one of my favorite movies – The Go Getter) who is visited by his estranged, certifiably insane father, played by Chris Isaak.  Yes, that Chris Isaak.  In yet another unrelated sub-plot (and coincidentally, the only one I enjoyed), there’s Mickey Rourke’s character, who is the uncle of Brad Renfro (in an amazing final performance before his death by drug-overdose).  Mickey Rourke kidnaps a little kid and wants to sell it for $6,000.  I shit you not, everytime this part came back up, my stomach hurt from the stress of watching it.  As you can tell, the story was terrible and convoluted.  Each one of these sub-plots could have been extrapolated into a movie of its own, and none of them had any quantifiable conclusion.  You’re never with any of the characters long enough to care about them, and most of them are such dispicable pieces of shit that you hate them, so when the story does something to them, (like kill them with AIDS), it’s really hard to conjure up any emotion.  Even then, most of the dialogue is so melodramatic and self-indulgent that it borders on laughable. 

If you’ve seen or read American Psycho, then you know how 80’s satire should be done.  That’s a movie/book that knows what it is.  It’s a toungue-in-cheek look at the excesses of the 80’s.  It’s super-violent, and super-filthy, but it’s ok there.  Here, there’s just to much.  From what I’ve read, this movie was torn apart in the re-write process.  Apparently, one director left before shooting began, and when Gregor Jordan signed on, he rewrote the script, taking out most of the satire, a vampire subplot, and all of the humor, prompting most of the cast to either jump ship or just give terrible performances.  I have read American Psycho, and loved it, but I haven’t read anything else by Ellis, so I can’t say how this is compared to the novel, but I am going to make it a point to read this once I finish In the Woods (by Tana French, it’s very good so far, btw).  Honestly, I’m can’t really recommend this movie though.  If you do see it, see it for Brad Renfro’s performance and Amber Heard’s nudity.

Clerks (1994) and Clerks II (2006)

Clerks. (1994) & Clerks II. (2006)

Both written and directed by Kevin Smith

            I wasn’t even going to review these flicks because I know that everyone from my generation has seen at least the first one, and what can I say about either one that hasn’t been said yet?  But then I realized something.  Like all good movies, the View Askew films are movies that reach everybody differently.  Everyone has a different story about which Kevin Smith movie they like the most.  My personal favorite is Clerks II, but Dogma was the first flick I saw, and Mallrats was the first one I saw and loved.  I saw Dogma probably around September or October of 2000, when I was just 15.  I knew it was awesome, but I’m not sure I appreciated most of the jokes until the second viewing, which was about three years later.  I first saw Mallrats about a year and a half later, in February of 2002.  Two weeks earlier, I had gone snowboarding with my school.  When my school went on snowboarding/skiing trips (which was every Wednesday), the students were required to sign up with a training class.  This was my first time snowboarding.  Since I didn’t want to look like a Sissy Mary, I signed up for the intermediate class, instead of beginner.  It was also the first time of the season that my school had gone.  Our instructor took us on an expert run that day.  I went over a jump and fell on the landing.  Seconds later, another snowboarder soared over the jump (not someone with our school) and promptly landed on my head.  Literally.  I was unconscious for the next day and a half, or rather, I don’t remember the next day and a half.  I remember waking up in the hospital the next night.  I think.  Anyway, a head injury of this magnitude requires many follow-ups with many different brain doctors.  So, two weeks later, I accompanied my mom to Mammoth, California, where she worked, so we could go to the doctor after she got out of work.  I spent the day at her friend’s house nearby.  My mom’s friend had a daughter named Toni, who was also about my age (and quite hot, I might add), and Toni had Mallrats on tape.  Having nothing to do all day, I watched it.  Mallrats quickly became my favorite “teen comedy” and remains that way today.  I subsequently made it my personal mission to watch every Kevin Smith flick.  When I moved back to New York, I borrowed Chasing Amy from my uncle, I bought Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and Dogma on DVD, I bought the tenth anniversary version of Clerks, I watched the Clerks: The Animated Series religiously, I saw (and loved) Clerks II, Jersey Girl, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno in theaters before they even came out to the public.  I was a fiend.  I can honestly say that Kevin Smith changed my life.  Clerks II cemented the fact that I wanted to become a screenwriter.  So, without further ado, here are my reviews for Clerks and Clerks II.

            Although I was only 9 years old when Clerks was released theatrically, and it wasn’t until I was about 19 years old that I actually saw it, Clerks pretty much sums up my childhood, growing up in the 90’s.  Many afternoons were spent doing nothing, talking about girls and saying the dirtiest possible things we could.  Watching it now, in my 20’s, the movie has changed a lot for me.  I felt an odd sense of both nostalgia and sadness.  The early 90’s was a time when somebody in their early 20’s could work in a convenience store and not go to college and figure out what they want to do with their life.  Things aren’t like that anymore, and I wish they were.  Once you turn 18, you’re quicky ushered into college, and then, the rest of your life.  Now, everybody knows that that’s not what I did, but I still feel the sense of not doing what’s expected of me, and thus, the disappointment from everyone else.  I want to work in a convenience store-slash-video store.  I want to make movies with my best friends.  I don’t even play hockey, but I want to play it on the roof of the place where I work.  And also, Dante was a hideous fucking chode! How did he always have two girls pining after him?  But you know what? These movies gave the rest of us hope.  I mean yea, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller, Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club, those are fucking excellent movies.  But, at least for me, they were always just a little bit out of reach.  Clerks changed that.  The characters spoke about the things I was speaking about.  They looked like me.  They acted like me.  And thus, it was incredibly accessible. 

            It does have it’s drawbacks.  Critics (and Smith himself) have spoken ad naseum about Kev’s lack of photographic flair.  Personally, I don’t think it took away from the film, but that’s just me.  I can admit that it’s a boring looking flick.  However, it doesn’t need it.  The dialogue and the story are what draw you in here.  I’m happy he didn’t keep the original ending, where the Quick-Stop is robbed and gunpoint and Dante dies.  It didn’t need the twist ending.  I still listen to the soundtrack to this one.  The music was awesome and I’m very surprised they got some of the music clearances that they did. 15 years later, this flick is still as good as it was the day it first came out, if not better.

            Clerks II is my favorite Kevin Smith flick.  Actually, for those that are fans, Kevin Smith’s website is having a Chrismas sale right now, and I just bought a signed copy of this screenplay for $11, and I can’t wait til it gets here.  While Clerks was funny, this one is side-splittingly funny.  He brings Dante and Randall into their thirties (they’ve aged equally to the time between flicks), and places them in the fast-food business when the the Quick Stop burns down.  Jay and Silent Bob are here too (in their final film appearance) and also introduces a new cast of misfits, the best of which is Elias (played by Trevor Fehrman – although imdb tells me this is the last movie he was in).  Of course, some of Kevin Smith’s usuals show up for cameos.  Ben Affleck, Jason Lee, Kev’s wife Jennifer Schwalbach, Ethan Suplee, Kev’s mom, Scott Mosier, they all show up for a few seconds.  I will never forget the Pillowpants conversation.  Truly terrifying.  What this movie had that the first one lacked, was heart.  This was about Kevin Smith’s fears of going into his thirties and being at the same place he was 10 years before.  I have a good feeling that when I watch this 10 years from now, it will have an entirely different meaning for me.  Despite the fact that this is my favorite Smith movie, there are a few things I don’t like about it.  The musical montages have to end.  I counted at least 3 separate montages in this and I didn’t like any of them.  Also, Kevin Smith needs to stop giving his wife parts in his movies.  She’s just not that great.  And last, when he made this, Kevin Smith hadn’t worked in the service industry in about 12 years.  He obviously didn’t understand how it works anymore.  4 people can absolutely not run a fast food restaurant for a whole day, especially when at least 2 of them are always not in the restaurant.  The good things are: it’s funnier, smarter, more emotional, and the cinematography is 1000 times better than any other Smith movie.

            If you are one of the few people that haven’t seen either of these, then you owe it to yourself to check them out.

The Magnificent Seven (1960)

The Magnificent Seven (1960)

Written by William Roberts, based on the film Shichinin no Samurai (The Seven Samurai) by Akira Kurosawa

Directed by John Sturges

            I watched this one based on a recurring recommendation by a guy I used to work with, and, despite my reservations to watch it, I ended up enjoying it a lot.  You see, I have this theory.  You know when you get a Netflix movie that you put on your queue like 4 months ago, and you totally forgot it was there?  And then, once you get it, it just sits on your TV stand for like 35 days, because you don’t really want to watch it, but you don’t have the heart to just send it back either?  Well, my theory is that these movies, the “TV Stand Movies”, as I like to call them, are the best ones.  And it happens every time!

            So, I put in this flick the other night, not expecting much from it (it was one of the dreaded TV Stand Movies, arriving on 10/17/2009, not to be returned until 11/25/2009), and getting a lot back.  I’m told it’s a classic, and I can understand that.  It is certainly one of the best western flicks I’ve ever seen.  Now, I’m not exactly a connoisseur when it comes to Westerns, but I do like them a lot.  3:10 to Yuma (the remake) and The Proposition are two modern westerns that are regular staples in my dvd player.  When I was “growing up”, I remember my grandfather watching Westerns and Nascar constantly, and I guess they kind of stuck with me.

            The Magnificent Seven, as mentioned earlier, is a remake of the Kurosawa film The Seven Samurai, which I have never seen.  So the movie starts, and there’s a bad man threatening a little Mexican village.  It’s the usual Western story.  The Mexicans are just farmers, as they say, so they hire Chris Adams (played by Yul Brenner) to protect them.  Adams then hires Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, and Robert Vaughn, amongst a few other dudes, and they form the titular group.  Naturally, each additional person Brenner and Steve McQueen find has a particular area of expertise, for instance, there’s a knife thrower, there’s a guy that’s a riduclously awesome shot, there’s another guy that likes to protect children.  Notable, however, is the complete lack of female presence until about 2/3 of the way through the flick.  Our lone woman is Petra, played by Rosenda Monteros.

            Also notable in this flick is the not so subtle racism and sexism.  You see, only the white man can save the Mexicans.  That’s right.  The Mexicans are played with a complete disregard for changing stereotypes.  They’re all brown, they all wear traditional farmers clothes, and they’re all illiterate and incapable of defending themselves.  So then they hire a bunch of white men to help them out, and then the Mexicans hide all of their women, old people, and children!  Later on, when a woman wants to help out (that’s Petra), the white men tell her that it’s really her job to take care of the other women, old people, and children! And she does it!

            Despite the obvious discrimination prevalent in this flick, it was well-acted, the story was intriguing, and the action was pretty good.  I can really see this being one of those flicks that “needs” to be remade in the next few years.  I recommend this flick to fans of the 60’s, Westerns, and Steve McQueen, cuz he’s the fuckin man.

Crank 2: High Voltage (2009)

Crank 2: High Voltage (2009)

Written and Directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor

            Holy shit, this movie is insane!  Starting off exactly where the first one ended, this is a neverending adrenaline rush of a movie.  It seemed as if the Neveldine & Taylor were trying to one-up themselves in each scene.  Just like the first movie, you HAVE to suspend all disbelief to make it through this one.  Also, if you’re easily offended, don’t even bother.

            As I just said, this flick starts off just seconds after the first one (if you don’t remember – Chev Chelios fell out of a helicopter, bounced off of a car, and one frame before the shot ended, he blinked), the ending of which is thankfully played back in 16-bit videogame graphics.  The irony of the videogame graphics is not lost on this reviewer, as the entire film plays just like a videogame.  A bunch of Asians literally shovel Chelios up off the ground and the adventure begins.  You see, in this one, Chev’s Strawberry Tart is replaced by an artificial chest thumper, which conveniently runs on a battery that will only last 1 hour if destroyed.  Needless to say, after 30 minutes, the battery dies. 

This movie featured some of the most obscene things I’ve ever seen on film.  Here’s a few examples: Anal-rape with a shotgun, putting cigarettes out on a heart, nipples, Shiny Lunch Box, strippers, at least 4 utterances of a word that starts with the letter “c” and ends with the letter “t” (I’ll give you a hint – it’s not “coat”), public sex, an old lady cursing, and more nipples.

There’s a lot that was good about this, but I suppose you have to be the kind of person that likes this.  Jason Statham continues to prove that he’s the number 1 action star of this decade.  The man is charming, charismatic, and funny as hell.  Bai Ling showed up as a hooker, and while I can’t say that I like her, or find her even remotely attractive, I can say that she was absolutely hilarious.  There’s a bunch of cameos in this one as well.  I mean, everyone shows up here, from Linkin Park’s Chester “My Band Just Keeps Getting Worse” Bennington, to Tool’s Maynard James Keenan, to Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, and even one of the Coreys shows up for a split second.  But the real gem here, in my humble opinion, is Amy Smart.  Amy’s girlfriend character comes back, and this time she’s a stripper.  An insanely hot stripper.  Eve and Chelios top their Asian market sex scene from the first movie by having sex on a horse race track.  And it’s just as awesome as it sounds.  I really cannot emphasize enough how good Amy Smart looks in this movie.  I can actually recommend seeing it, just to see her.

Over the top? Check.  Naked chicks? Check.  Brutal violence? Check.  It’s official, there’s nothing bad about this movie.  Check it out!

New Moon (2009)

New Moon (2009)

Written by Melissa Rosenburg and Stephanie Meyer

Directed by Chris Weitz

            Once again, I would like to give the “I am not in this movie’s target audience” clause.  I know, as a cinephile, I should enjoy all genres of film, and to a point, I do.  I have been known to enjoy the occasional romantic comedy, the drama, horror, thriller, actioner, even children’s films.  But one thing I do not enjoy is bad filmmaking.

            New Moon is bad filmmaking.  How can you make a film WITHOUT likeable leads? I mean c’mon! It terrifies me that Kristen Stewart is considered a role model for young girls.  This movie provides ample evidence to have her convicted as a bad hero.  First, she smiles maybe once in the movie.  We’re supposed to buy that Bella and Edward are in love, but they don’t spend a single second of this film enjoying each other’s company!  It’s dramatic argument after dramatic argument after dramatic argument.  Just because they kiss and hold each other every now and then doesn’t mean that they’re in love.  Especially when Robert Pattinson makes that face like he’s in pain all the time.  This was like a 2 hour version of Dawson’s creek, but with vampires and werewolves.  Second, she’s a straight up bitch, and not in a good way.  She ditches her best friends when she gets a boyfriend.  She’s downright mean to her friend Mike, who has had a very obvious crush on her since day one, going as far as to leading him on to the prospect of a date, and then she’s blatantly rude to him at the end of it.  And it wasn’t just Mike she was mean to!  She used Jacob to help her rebuild a motorcycle so she could try to kill herself later.  She spent months with the guy, and when he fell in love with her, which is understandable and natural, she freaked out and shunned him.  This girl is a Class A Cocktease.  Three, she’s a complete downer.  When Edward breaks up with her (which, we are told, is at the very beginning of the school year, i.e. September), we’re given a montage recapping the months until February in which she mopes in front of a window.  That’s five months of straight moping.  At what point do you get the hell over it?  Four, Kstew spends the first hour and a half of the movie trying to kill herself.  You read that correctly.  After Edward gives her the boot, she tries to kill herself over and over.  She does this because whenever she’s close to death, she has visions of Edward, and she thinks if she dies, then he’ll be there forever.  She gets on a motorcycle with a skeevy biker dude (with no helmet, mind you).  She drives a motorcycle straight into huge rock.  She jumps off of a cliff.  There is no end to her stupidity.  And this is a character that is now a role model for young girls around the world.  The fact that women actually connect to this character is beyond the limits of my imagination.

            Aside from the case against Bella, there are numerous other offenses in this movie.  The dialogue is just plain terrible.  At one point Bella says “Don’t do this for my soul, because I don’t care about my soul anymore.”  Now, I know, that line pales in comparison to the infamous “Spider-monkey” line from the first movie, but this dialogue ran throughout the film.  Another downside was Robert Pattinson.  Really? Women find him attractive?  Why?  Don’t give me that “Oh, he’s dark, and quiet, and brooding, and mysterious” bullshit.  He’s just plain creepy.  The first thing my father taught me was to never trust a man who doesn’t smile.  And in this movie, Robert Pattinson does not smile once.  Also, he appears in Bella’s room without being asked, even when she’s not home.  He has the body of an emaciated heroin addicted twelve year old girl.  My girlfriend wasn’t the only one that made comments about the pre-pubescent pubic hair sprouting from his chest in the one scene where he was shirtless.  Now, I know, it’s not the actors that were terrible here.  Kristen Stewart was cute as hell in Adventureland, Panic Room, and Into the Wild.  I really do not believe that it was her fault Bella was an unlikeable bitch who just jumps from guy to guy.  There was a trailer before the movie for some other movie RPats is in, and it actually looked like he did a decent job.  He was awesome in that Harry Potter movie.  So I blame the screenplay(s) and story for what I didn’t like about this movie.

            I know I’ve beat it up a bit, but there were some things I did like here.  One thing I can say is that it looked great.  The cinematography and locations they used were simply beautiful.  There was a scene in which a bunch of werewolves chased a ginger vampire through the woods, and it was set to a Thom Yorke song and it was exquisite.  I actually enjoyed that scene quite a bit.  I liked all of the characters that were not Bella or Edward.  Edward’s sister Alice (played by the uber-hot Ashley Greene) was adorable and sweet.  Jacob, despite being shirtless for roughly 93% of the movie, wasn’t half bad.  I’m glad they decided to stick with Taylor Lautner, because  he made this movie tolerable.  Anna Kendrick, as Bella’s “Best Friend” Jessica was equal parts bubbly and funny, and I really wish she had more than five lines in this.  I can’t wait to see her in Up in the Air, because I’ve heard she’s fantastic in it.  Billy Burke plays Bella’s dad, and he was awesome as usual, still rockin a pretty mean ‘stache.  Michael Sheen showed up at the end to take a bite out of the scenery, chew it up, and spit it back out in Robert Pattinson’s face.  In fact, that whole sequence at the end invovling the Volturi was pretty awesome, I really liked that.  Dakota Fanning was pretty cool as a evil vampire with mind control powers.  It looked like she had fun.  Basically, what I’m saying is, I liked everything that didn’t involve Bella or Edward.

            I can’t even say that I recommend this movie to 12 year old girls, because, really, there’s nothing good here.  Get rid of the lead characters and actors, and maybe we’ll have a watchable flick.  I will, however, be seeing Face Punch when that comes out, because it sounds frakkin awesome.

Across the Universe (2007)

Across the Universe (2007)

Written by Dick Clement, Ian La Frenais, & Julie Taymor

Directed by Julie Taymor

            My love for this film can be summed up by the fact that I have an original one-sheet poster from the movie framed above my bed.  I first discovered this underrated gem about a year and a half ago.  I bought it for about ten dollars at my local Blockbuster.  A few weeks ago I was perusing a nearby Costco, when I found it on Blu-ray for twelve bucks.  Score!  ANYWAY,  the first time I watched it, I don’t think I understood it completely.  I watched it again around five months later (around this exact time last year), and was simply spellbound.

            This movie has everything.  EVERYTHING!!!  Let’s start with the basics – it’s a movie based on and set to songs by the Beatles.  I’ll wait while you go out and find this movie and watch it.

Back? Oh, yea sure, go ahead and make some popcorn.

Ok! So, it’s a musical.  Some people don’t like musicals, I can understand that.  They’re pretty gay.  There’s a lot to not like about them.  It’s not very realistic that a group of people would break out into a clearly choreographed dance routine, where everyboyd knows the lyrics to the song they’re singing.  And where the hell does the music come from anyway?  But this one is different.  Here’s a little trick to tell if a musical will be good or not.  If the songs help to move the plot forward, then it will be a good musical.  If the songs are an aside from the plot, the musical will suck (see this, or this, or this.)  Across the Universe uses the songs to move the plot forward.  The plot, here, revolves around Jude, Max, and Lucy (yes, all of the characters are named after Beatles songs, and no, it’s not as lame as it says) and takes place in the 60’s.  Max and Lucy are siblings, Jude is from Liverpool, Jude and Lucy fall in love, Max gets drafted.  Tangental characters include a Hendrix clone named Jo Jo, a Janis Joplin clone named Sadie (and yes, she is pretty sexy), and a hot little Asian lesbian named Prudence.

            The best part about this flick is obviously the music.  The Beatles were masters, and in my opinion, the last great music makers.  What differentiates the Beatles from most other bands of that era, in my mind, is not just their lyrics, but their ability to harmonize.  Beatles songs are rooted in the vocals, and McCartney and Lennon did things with their vocals that are unheard of these days.  Rather than clutter up the songs with over-enthusiastic guitar solos and ostentatious drum fills, they let the lyrics and vocals do the talking.  Now, in this flick, the filmmakers re-interpret some of the songs in ways that are both beautiful and unique, and they do the nearly impossible – they are even better than the originals (unlike in that goddamn blackberry commercial, which pretty much vomits on the original song).

            The acting here is award-worthy.  First off, all of the actors and actresses do their own singing in this.  And it’s not just ‘meh’, like Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge, it’s raw and real. Evan Rachel Wood proves that she’s not just insanely hot, but she’s also one of the better actresses of her generation (if not the best).  Jim Sturgess was equally impressive as the male lead, but the person that stole the most scenes for me was Joe Anderson as Max.  This guy was badass to the max.  That’s right, I said ‘to the max.’  You may have seen him in The Ruins as the German guy that fell down the hole and broke his legs, or possibly in the trailer for remake of The Crazies (which looks awesome, by the way).  He’s awesome, and an actor to look out for.

            The sets here were amazing, the wardrobes were spot-on, everything looked like it was straight out of the era.  When I watched this on blu-ray, I found myself wishing that I had lived during the era (a notion that was instantly quelled when I thought back to “Helter Skelter”, which I am currently reading).

            There is absolutely nothing about this movie that I didn’t like.  See it, see it, see it, SEE IT!!!

I Love You, Beth Cooper

I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009)

Written by Larry Doyle, based on his novel of the same name

Directed by Chris Columbus

            Chris Columbus, what has happened to you?  You are responsible for one of the highest grossing movies of all time! You directed not one, but TWO Harry Potter Movies!  How can you make a film that was as boring as this? 

            Listen, I know, being a 24 year old male, I am absolutely not the target audience for this flick.  There are two reasons I watched this.  One, my girlfriend wanted to, and two, Hayden Panettiere (hereby referred to as “Panties”, because her real name is unpronouncable, and impossible to spell).  Now, don’t get me wrong – it wasn’t terrible.  But it was boring and generic.  Let me explain.

            As is typical for teen comedies, the first ten minutes of this are simple character exposition.  First we meet the weird, possibly homosexual, best friend of our main character.  Then, in an impossibly long graduation speech (which you may have seen some of in the trailers, it’s where our protaganist professes his love for the titular piece of ass), we meet our nerdy main character.  Here, he is played by Paul Rust, whose nose deserves it’s own zipcode.  Not that I didn’t like the guy, he was unusually nerdy and awkward, but had great comic timing.  There are just times when his nose takes up the whole screen, preventing me from seeing Panties.  You soon meet Panties’ two hot friends, one of which is borderline retarded, but has massive cans, and the other one is “misunderstood”.  She also represents the flick’s only black character.  After twenty minutes, the movie derails into a series of vignettes in which we are supposed to actually look past Panties’ hotness, and notice her personality.  Unfortunatly for the movie, Panties is a terrible actress, and the character is a vain, psychotic bitch.

            I think what I really didn’t like about this flick was the tone.  It seems like the filmmakers were trying to make a satire of teen comedies.  In the opening speech, the main dude rails on most of the typical teen comedy clichés, making you think that the rest of the movie will have similar jokes (i.e. be good).  Not so.  Most of the humor in the first half is very slap-sticky.  For examply, Beth Cooper drives like a psychopath.  There’s a scene in which the main dude gets hit in the face with a cork from a champagne bottle.  There’s a rabid racoon in one scene.  Beth Cooper’s boyfriend is a caricature of “mean guys” and has a permanent scowl on his face.  Actually, there’s a ten minutes chase scene where he and his ‘roid head buddies chase our main dude.  Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t respond well to slapstick humor.  It’s childish, and when you’re trying to make a movie for teenagers, it’s useless.  There’s also many scenes that are parodies of real teen comedies like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (actually, the main dude’s dad is played by the always awesome Alan Ruck, from Ferris Bueller) or Sixteen Candles.  About halfway through the flick, they abandoned the slapstick tone, and the movie just became a series of serious conversations between the main dude and Panties, most of which consisted of laughable dialogue and very little chemistry.  The main dude was basically a stalker.  I don’t know about you, but I would find it very creepy if somebody had a poster of me above their bed.  Panties thought it was cute.

            Since I started writing this review, I have come to an important conclusion.  I didn’t like this movie.  There were a few laughs, yes, but this movie failed at everything it tried to do, save for making Hayden Panettiere look hot.  I can recommend it for that reason, and that reason only.

2012

2012 (2009)

Written by Roland Emmerich and Harold Kloser

Directed by Roland Emmerich

            I absolutely love disaster movies!  Not one for subtlety, Roland Emmerich doesn’t just do disaster movies, he does disaster porn, and this is the hardcore, double-penetration, girl on girl on girl on girl porn of disaster movies. Nothing is sacred in this flick, and all is destroyed.  And I loved every last second of it!

            2012 starts out the way most Roland Emmerich movies do.  The year is 2009, and Adrian Helmsley (played by the excellent, yet underused Chiwetel Eliofor) has just figured out that the world is going to end in 2012.  Flash to Independence Day, when those military guys first see the alien spacecrafts on radar.  Flash to The Day After Tomorrow, when Dennis Quaid first figures out that the world is going to end.  Basically, what I’m saying, is that Emmerich isn’t going into uncharted territory on this one.  The movie then sums up the next three years of political meetins in about ten minutes.  In those ten minutes, it is decided by our Danny Glover-played President that we’re not going to tell anybody that the world is going to end, but we’re going to secretly build underground garages for giant arks, so when the world actually does end, only a select few will be on the boats, saving the politicians from having to live through the armageddon with poor people.  Jump to 2012, where we meet John Cusack, playing a dad whose annoying son and adorable daughter live with their mom and step-father, played by Amanda Peet and Thomas McCarthy.  Lloyd Dobler takes his kids on a camping trip to Yellowstone where they meet Woody Harrelson playing a crazy person (so really, it’s just Woody Harrelson) and learn that the world will soon be expiring in an unappealing way.  After this is about an hour and a half of pure destruction, involving everything from supermarkets, airplanes, LA getting wrecked (finally), Russians, Volcanos, more Woody Harrelson, and this hot chick. In the end, the movie somehow finds a way to have all of the characters meet up, AND kill, not one, but two hot Russians.

            As with any Disaster movie, make sure you leave believability at the door.  There’s one scene in particular, where there’s a 1500 meter high tidal wave coming towards one of our characters, and he takes out his cell phone and makes a call to another character, who is miles under a mountain.  There are countless instances where our main characters narrowly escape death, as you’ve probably seen in the trailers.  But you know what? None of that matters.  This movie is awesome! Nothing is safe! The Vatican gets destroyed.  LA is completely wrecked.  In the end, the ocean levels rise like three miles and the Earth’s poles shift.  All the destruction made me giddy!  Sure, the dialogue is cheesy, the story doesn’t make any sense, but none of that matters.  You’re going to this movie to escape, and escape you will.  It’s all about the spectacle here, and you will be thoroughly entertained for two and a half hours.

Coraline (2009)

Coraline (2009)

Written by Henry Selick and Neil Gaiman

Directed by Henry Selick

            I don’t even know what to say about this film.  It was just amazing.  The visuals in this movie were beautiful, terrifying, haunting, this is just another level of filmmaking.  From the opening title sequence, which depicts a doll being taken apart, and then remade, to the final frame, you are going to love every second of this film.

            The story goes like this – a girl moves to the middle of nowhere with her parents, who don’t pay any attention to her, and loses all her friends, and understandably needs a means of escape.  Rather than take the Wild Things approach, little Coraline ventures through a miniature door in the living room of her ancient house.  On the other side, she discovers a doppelganger version of her own world, complete with an “Other Mother”, “Other Father”, and annoying (yet awesome) neighborhood kid “Other Wybie” (real name Wyborn).  This world has everything the real world doesn’t.  Parents that care, awesome neighbors, a talking cat, the best freakin garden you’ve ever seen, and most importantly, people with buttons for eyes.  After a few visits, our titular character realizes that this “Other world” isn’t quite what it appears.  A life lesson ensues.

            I went into this movie thinking it would be a typical kids flick.  Boy, was I wrong.  Now, like everybody from my generation, I’ve seen (and love) The Nightmare Before Christmas, which was also directed by the great Henry Selick (which most people don’t know, they all think it was Burton that directed, he was just a producer), so I thought this would be kind of more of the same thing.  Again, wrong.  While Nightmare kind of retains some youthful imagery and tone, Coraline was dark, dark, dark.  If I were a kid, this movie would give me nightmares.  Shit, I’m an adult (kind of) and it still scared me.  I mean, the girl is escaping from her parents, because they DON’T LOVE HER! And not in the cute way that Max from Where the Wild Things Are thought his mom didn’t love her.  This girl’s parents really don’t give a shit about her.  Also, her “other mother” wants her to sew buttons over her own eyes, and then turns into a giant spiderwoman.  There was so much creepy imagery and tone here that I don’t know how to properly describe it.  Despite being creepy, it was beyond beautiful.  I’m about 98% sure that this is what Heaven looks like.  I’m also fairly certain that Henry Selick invented new colors for this film.  Your eyes will be please after you watch this.

            I know that it sounds like I didn’t like this movie.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  I’m positive that come December 31^st, this will be in my top 5 movies of the year.  I just don’t think it’s a kids flick, so don’t expect that from it.  This is a movie for adults, much like Where the Wild Things Are is.  Coraline is a brave little girl.  This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in years, and you owe it to yourself to watch this.

The Pope of Greenwich Village (1984)

The Pope of Greenwich Village (1984)

Written by Vincent Patrick (based on his novel of the same name)

Directed by Stuart Rosenburg

            I watched this one based on a recommendation by my Papa Jimbo (he’s really my grandfather, no jokes), and ended up really liking it, although it took me a while to get to that conclusion.

            The plot is a little congested, so bear with me.  Charlie (Mickey Rourke) is fired from the restaurant that he manages because of something his cousin Paulie (Eric Roberts) does.  Paulie has connections in the Mob, and soon learns that the Mob boss who owns said restaurant has $150,000 in his possession.  Paulie also has connections in the horseracing world and knows somebody who has a cup full of horse sperm from a winning horse.  He knows people that are involved with horse breeding, so he pays them to take the sperm and use it to enpregnate a winning female horse, so they can have a superbaby.  Soooo, when they both get fired, they decide to enlist a friend, Barney the Irish locksmith, to help them steal the money, which they will then bet on the superbaby.

            I love heist movies.  I really do. And this one is no exception.  The protaganists need money, they contrive a plot to get some, they institute their plan, something goes wrong during the heist, they have to deal with it, and everybody is happy in the end.  No different here.  Netflix told me it was a comedy.  This is not true.  Sure, there were some laughs, but it was a lot more serious than funny.  It took me a while to get into the story though.  Maybe because it was so convoluted, maybe it was because I was intoxicated, I don’t know.  When the heist stuff started happening though, I was really drawn in.  It was nice to see Mickey Rourke when he was young, but you could still tell that his acting abilities are through the roof.  Daryl Hannah makes an appearance as the crazy bitch girlfriend.  The true standout in this flick, though, is Eric Roberts.  You probably don’t know the name, but you’ll definitely recognize the face.  He was a revelation in this.  I never knew that one of my favorite character actors was so freaking awesome.  He had charisma and emotion and it was awesome.

            Like I said, this movie was a little awkward.  It took a little while to get into it.  But once it really starts, you’re gonna love it.  I always love Mickey Rourke, and he’s always excellent, and here it’s no different.  If I had to rate it, I’d give it a solid B.

The Fourth Kind (2009)

The Fourth Kind (2009)

Written and Directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi

I saw Paranormal Activity on Halloween but didn’t write a review because A) the last thing that movie needs is more publicity and B) I really didn’t like it.  The Fourth Kind is the movie that Paranormal Sucktivity wishes it was.  As pretty much everybody in America knows by now, Paranormal Craptivity is supposed to be “found footage”, but we all know that it was all staged due to the movie’s stars being all over the place.  The Fourth Kind is similar, as it also features “found footage”.  The difference is that Fourth also re-enacts that same footage.  The movie, true to it’s name, involves a psychiatrist from Nome, Alaska who is experiencing some weird ass shit, possibly related to Aliens, along with her family and the rest of the town.

There was a lot to like about this flick.  It was creepy as hell, and they sustained the tension throughout the whole film, from the first 3 minutes right until the very end.  The main generator of the creepy tone was the brilliant cinematography (by Lorenzo Senatore, who is seemingly the go-to guy for straight to DVD sequels).  THIS is how you use the “found footage” gimmick.  Several times throughout the movie, the screen was split into either two or four separate boxes, usually when the weird shit was happening.  On one side of the screen was the reenactment with Abigail Tyler (Milla Jovavich) and Abel Campos (Elias Koteas - more on them later), and on the other side was the “found footage.”  Within the scene, the audio and visuals would ebb and flow, meaning, sometimes the “found footage” would scoot over, letting Milla use up most of the screen, and vice versa.  The audio would do the same thing.  Interspersed between these scenes was an interview between the “real” Abigail Tyler and some black guy. This is where the film is at it’s best.  The “found footage” was genuinely scary (unlike in Paranormal, where it was just boring) and the real Dr. Tyler was just creepy looking (you’ll recognize her as the woman who’s face is blurred out in the trailer) and emotionless enough for me to absolutely buy that this is real.  However, the reenactments didn’t even compete with the other footage.  Granted, the setting was absolutely beautiful and the filters they used on the cameras were perfect, just muting the colors enough, making the white snow and the green of the trees pop out.  However, the “story” parts of the reenactments were just not good.  I’ve never been the biggest fan of Milla “I only do genre-flicks” Jovavich.  I guess the only things I’ve seen her in are the Resident Evil movies, but still, she’s a little funny looking, and not much of an actress.  However, here, she really impressed me.  She shows a more sensitive side than I’m used to from her, and I liked it.  Elias Koteas, character actor extraordinaire, was brooding and awesome as the requisite skeptic.  The one truly bad element of this flick was Will Patton (another character actor that you’ll recognize, but not know who he is).  This guy was a dick, and he was a dick just to BE a dick.  He does things that don’t make any sense, and it seems like he goes out of his way to not believe anything Dr. Tyler says, even to the point of ignoring whole pages of script.  He’s irritating and I wanted him to shut up.  Also – Dr. Tyler had some ugly, obnoxious kids, her son in particular, and at one point I found myself wishing that the Aliens would come down and take them.

I liked The Fourth Kind a lot.  It had some interesting themes, and was pretty creepy.  However, there were some things that were just plain bad.  If they had made the movie differently, perhaps by eliminating the reenactment portions, I think it would have been a lot more effective.  Also, Hollywood should stop releasing horror movies THE WEEK AFTER HALLOWEEN.  I’m looking at you Rob Zombie’s Halloween (which was relased in August, of all months).  The Fourth Kind is worth a rental at least.  Check it out, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Sid & Nancy (1986)

Sid & Nancy (1986)

Written by Alex Cox and Abbe Wool

Directed by Alex Cox

Please excuse this review for being 23 years late, as I was roughly one year old when it came out.  Inexplicably, I had never seen this until last night.  Yea, I know.  I had many opportunities, hell, I lived with White Goodman for about 5 months.  That man practically IS Sid Vicious (and he even named one of his cats after the man).  I even watched Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt’s recent ode to the iconic final moments of the flick (but that was done more to satiate my incurable, and admittedly kinda creepy, love for Zooey Deschanel).  So, no, I have no excuse for having not seen this earlier in my life.  The only semblance of an excuse is that I never felt like I was emotionally ready to understand it.  And right, I was.

This movie is a tornado that will rip apart your insides.  You’ll try not to fall in love with Sid.  There are plenty of reasons to hate him.  He’s an incorrigible dick.  He’s a drug addict, and a lunatic.  Still, he’s fucking awesome.  Sid Vicious was the Rock Star to end all Rock Stars.  I always knew Gary Oldman was the shit.  My mom took me to see Air Force One when it came out in 1997 (I was, and still am, a Star Wars geek, so naturally, Harrison Ford was my hero) and it was Gary Oldman’s performance that simply blew me away.  Subsequently, he’s known to me most prominently as Drexl from True Romance, not to mention the countless other films he’s been in.  But here…Here, Gary Oldman is electric.  He IS Sid Vicious.  There wasn’t a single second that I saw him as anything other than Sid. 

And then there’s Chloe Webb as Nancy Spungen.  Let me just say, I know absolutely nothing Sid Vicious, Johnny Rotten, or the Sex Pistols. I was born about 8 years too late to really understand and be a part of that scene.  But what I can understand is that Nancy Spungen is the Yoko Ono of the punk scene.  Or at least, that’s how the film portrays her.  She’s annoying, needy, and she is the reason Sid gets addicted to heroin.  Webb is not an attractive woman.  But then again, I suppose Gary Oldman wasn’t that attractive at the time either.  But this isn’t a film about the benefits of being a rock star.  Sid doesn’t fall for Nancy because she’s this hot piece of model ass.  She has what he needs.  Heroin and a vagina.  But you know what?  You can’t help but like her.  Webb plays Spungen with just that little bit of charm that makes you see her the way Sid sees her, and it’s a benefit to the rest of the film.

Aside from Gary Oldman and Chloe Webb, what I liked most about the flick was the cinematography.  There are several shots in the film that seem to be about nothing and they go on forever.  You question the first one, but after that, they help to build up the tension.  The most memorable example is the slow motion shot of Sid and Nancy kissing in an alleyway, while trash rains down from above.  Another one of my favorites was Sid’s version of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”.  I’m telling you, you will not be able to take your eyes off of Sid Vicious for the entire flick.

Sid & Nancy gets my seal of approval.  If you haven’t seen it, then what the hell is wrong with you?