2012

2012 (2009)

Written by Roland Emmerich and Harold Kloser

Directed by Roland Emmerich

            I absolutely love disaster movies!  Not one for subtlety, Roland Emmerich doesn’t just do disaster movies, he does disaster porn, and this is the hardcore, double-penetration, girl on girl on girl on girl porn of disaster movies. Nothing is sacred in this flick, and all is destroyed.  And I loved every last second of it!

            2012 starts out the way most Roland Emmerich movies do.  The year is 2009, and Adrian Helmsley (played by the excellent, yet underused Chiwetel Eliofor) has just figured out that the world is going to end in 2012.  Flash to Independence Day, when those military guys first see the alien spacecrafts on radar.  Flash to The Day After Tomorrow, when Dennis Quaid first figures out that the world is going to end.  Basically, what I’m saying, is that Emmerich isn’t going into uncharted territory on this one.  The movie then sums up the next three years of political meetins in about ten minutes.  In those ten minutes, it is decided by our Danny Glover-played President that we’re not going to tell anybody that the world is going to end, but we’re going to secretly build underground garages for giant arks, so when the world actually does end, only a select few will be on the boats, saving the politicians from having to live through the armageddon with poor people.  Jump to 2012, where we meet John Cusack, playing a dad whose annoying son and adorable daughter live with their mom and step-father, played by Amanda Peet and Thomas McCarthy.  Lloyd Dobler takes his kids on a camping trip to Yellowstone where they meet Woody Harrelson playing a crazy person (so really, it’s just Woody Harrelson) and learn that the world will soon be expiring in an unappealing way.  After this is about an hour and a half of pure destruction, involving everything from supermarkets, airplanes, LA getting wrecked (finally), Russians, Volcanos, more Woody Harrelson, and this hot chick. In the end, the movie somehow finds a way to have all of the characters meet up, AND kill, not one, but two hot Russians.

            As with any Disaster movie, make sure you leave believability at the door.  There’s one scene in particular, where there’s a 1500 meter high tidal wave coming towards one of our characters, and he takes out his cell phone and makes a call to another character, who is miles under a mountain.  There are countless instances where our main characters narrowly escape death, as you’ve probably seen in the trailers.  But you know what? None of that matters.  This movie is awesome! Nothing is safe! The Vatican gets destroyed.  LA is completely wrecked.  In the end, the ocean levels rise like three miles and the Earth’s poles shift.  All the destruction made me giddy!  Sure, the dialogue is cheesy, the story doesn’t make any sense, but none of that matters.  You’re going to this movie to escape, and escape you will.  It’s all about the spectacle here, and you will be thoroughly entertained for two and a half hours.